A few weeks ago, I broke one of my acrylic nails. And then another. And then I cut them down and filed them so that they’re now in odd, uneven shapes with cracks along the sides and chipped tips. What was once a fun way to enjoy the holidays quickly turned into a painful nuisance that I’m now attempting to rid myself of.
I haven’t had acrylic nails since I was in high school, but I always loved the way they made my hands look. They just seemed better with acrylics, like everything was prettier, more dainty, perfect. I could be typing and retyping the same text over and over again, but the click-clacking of my nails on the phone screen made it all feel so much more purposeful. Like every mistake wasn’t actually a mistake at all, but a divine act—perfect in every way. So when one of them finally broke, my stomach twisted in revulsion at it’s imperfection.
The little stump, or “stumpy” as I called it, threw my entire rhythm off kilter. As I typed on my phone, my fingers no longer sung the light, pleasing clickity-clacking tune I’d grown accustomed to, but rather the more dopey version: clickity-thunk.
My first thought was to go back into the salon to have it redone, but after a few moments consideration, I decided against this. It made little sense to pay to have something redone when I had no plans to keep them anyway. Plus, as a recovering perfectionist, I’m always looking for ways to embrace messiness in my life, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity.
As the new year approached, I grew to love the idea of starting off 2024 with something “imperfect” about myself. It’s small, but it’s also something I have to look at every day. It felt like giving the middle finger to the whole “new year, new me” thing, and I liked it.
However, I think this was accentuated by the mass of 2023 recap posts that took over social media in the last few weeks. If you have social media of any kind—predominantly Instagram or TikTok—you’ll know what I’m talking about: the posts in which people attempted to sum up their entire year in videos and photo dumps. It felt like everyone, even the friends that NEVER post, were getting in on it with their candid videos and beautiful scenic pics. I think this made it feel less like a celebration of the end of the year and more like an obligation to post only the most aesthetically pleasing moments, as if that’s all our lives can be boiled down to: aesthetics.
Confronted by mounds of these posts all over my Instagram feed, I felt the irresistible urge to dig my heels in and refuse to participate. I think because it seemed only natural that I, of all people, would post something. I’ve had a lot to post about this year, but this expectation that I should is exactly why I didn’t want to.
While I’m morally opposed to the idea of aestheticizing my life, I also realize how silly it sounds to refuse to participate in something simply because it might be expected. I think I’ve always been like this though. Ever since I can remember I’ve refused to do things others told me to do. I’ve refused to participate in certain sports and other activities. I remember a girl yelling at me for not trying harder at a game of soccer during PE, and immediately doubling down on my low effort just to prove a point. What that point was, I don’t think I really knew. I think I just assumed I was proving she couldn’t boss me around, but I didn’t like her anyway, so I didn’t care.
But that isn’t the whole story, though I wish it was. It would be so much easier if I just had an authority complex. But, it wasn’t until recently that I realized I could compile each of these moments with the gut-wrenching fear of not being accepted.
This has been the story of my life. It’s become a running theme. I’ve often deprived myself of experiences because of the fear of how I might look to others. I’ve been terrified by the thought that a person may perceive me in a way that it is out of my control, opting instead to forgo many experiences altogether.
Though, I don’t think recapping my entire year in only the most aesthetically pleasing moments is something I ever would’ve jumped at doing, not because I have nothing to share—actually it sounded like a great way for me to post all the pictures I forgot about or that didn’t fit in my original posts—but because I’m afraid that anything I do share won’t cut it. They’re never the right angle, the right lighting, or spontaneous enough. I’m always making the wrong face or posing too awkwardly. The more I stare at every moment I’ve ever captured, the more I hate them for not being aesthetic enough.
Although opting out of this trend saved me from sticking all of my experiences over the past year under a microscope and scrutinizing them for not being “post worthy”, not participating doesn’t make me any better than anyone else. Just because I didn’t make a 2023 recap post doesn’t mean I wasn’t watching and liking everyone else’s, wishing my life was as beautiful as theirs.
But I also don’t think it’s necessary to turn our lives into consumable pieces of media in order to reflect on the past year. We can do so in other ways without subjecting even our most precious memories to commodification.
This also relates to my aversion to New Year’s resolutions. For years, I never made one because it felt like too much pressure. Not to do the thing but to think of something really good. Something good enough to be a resolution and make an obvious change in my life for everyone to gawk and marvel over. It seems pointless to set a goal for yourself that won’t result in allowing our progress to be consumed, or at least contain the end result of making ourselves more palatable.
And it’s silly! Why can’t we just do things for ourselves anymore? Why does everything have to always be about everyone else too?
Every year, people are always consumed with the idea that this will be “their year”. The pressure to be and do better gets to everyone, which is probably part of the reason why January is the most depressing month of the year, but it’s partly fueled by the idea that everything we do is always being perceived by others. We can’t just do things for ourselves without feeling watched because we’re always being sold this idea that everything must be consumable in some way. Our brains have been rewired to think like consumers and producers. And if we can’t hold up our end of the bargain of producing something worth consuming, we give up.
It’s so hard not to feel the pressure to become everything we always dreamed at the start of every year, and then immediately feel disillusioned when that doesn’t happen. It’s much easier to assume the worst. To write yourself off and give up before you can even try.
On the morning of January 1st 2024, I was in line at McDonald’s getting “hangover food”. I wasn’t actually hungover—the drinks I had the night before really didn’t have much alcohol—but it still felt like that’s what I was doing. I was more tired than anything else, but the idea of starting off the new year by eating something “bad” made me smile. Probably because I grew up in a house where eating fast food was practically a mortal sin, but also because I was once again doing something less than perfect.
Practicing imperfection can be a really great exercise when you’re constantly holding yourself to impossible standards. Allowing myself to get a “messy” start on the new year while everyone else was glorifying the past one felt like a gift to myself. To remind myself that I don’t have to make progress right away, I don’t have to invite everyone into all the best moments of my life, I don’t have to live beautifully.
It’s more than okay to ease yourself into change. I’m still nowhere near where I want my life to be, but I’m closer than I was this time last year—even just mentally and emotionally. But I hope I’m not selling myself short, that I’m not holding myself back because I’m once again too afraid of how it’ll look to imagine something greater.
Happy first week of the new year!🥳 So excited to be starting off with exactly 60 subscribers! Feels good to have a nice round number of people interested in my work haha.
If you’re new, thank you so much for subscribing! And if not, thank you so much for sticking around! We’re nearing 100 subscribers and the 1 year anniversary of Twenty-Something & Totally Lost! (I’m way over using the exclamation point here, but I just have a lot of excitement!). I’m so thankful to everyone who has subscribed to my page. Thank you for reading my work, interacting with it in any way, and just being here at all! Means a lot to know that someone somewhere likes my writing. Can’t wait to see what this new year has in store. <3
🎉I would love to know…🎉
What did you do for New Year’s Eve/New Year’s day? Any parties? Fun drinks? Relaxing movie marathons with friends/family?
How do you feel about the 2023 recap posts?
How about new year’s resolutions? Do you have one this year? I’m still deciding if I want to make one or not. Thinking I might just make it: start a new hobby so it’s fun but also forces me to do something I’ve always wanted to do, which is often scary.
This is such a great piece Summer! I relate to every word of it. So far I’ve spent my 2024 rotting in bed for several reasons and I have already felt guilt about not getting started on the goals I’ve set for myself. But I know eventually I’ll get up.
I can also relate to the nails thing so hard! 😭 it’s why I never get my nails done anymore, they look and sound pretty but they immediately start to bother me and when one nail gets chipped or falls off, I can’t stop myself from removing the rest.
I also loved the part about how you doubled down on not participating hard enough in soccer when someone criticized you for it, that’s definitely something I would do and probably have done before. It actually brought up a memory of church camp *shudder* when during these weird Olympic style games they came up with, some kid on my team yelled at me to start running even though they were supposed to be running too! So I stood there and told them to run and we just kinda went back and forth until I gave up and ran lol. I’ll never understand why people care so much about stuff like that
Cheers to the spirit of Wabi-Sabi! We didn’t do much, but New Orleans is on a different holiday calendar, our New Year is today, Epiphany, the start of Mardi Gras season. :) I too was Too Damn Tired to do a recap post, but I did get a kick out of seeing everyone else’s year-end recaps.