How Does One Know Thyself?
Looking to the future and to the past to figure out what it means to "never have met myself". Plus, my most recent playlist.
This past week, I’ve been preparing for if I were to get an interview now that I’m applying to jobs and such—I even did a mock interview with a tutor to practice because I have social anxiety and talking on the spot is not my strong suit—but in my preparations, I researched some of the top interview questions:
Tell us about yourself.
What are your greatest strengths?
What have you done to overcome an obstacle?
What is you greatest achievement?
Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
All of those questions took A LOT of thinking, but that last one was a real doozie and that’s because I’m not the kind of person to plan my future. That’s not to say I don’t have hopes and expectations for where I might end up, but thinking too much about the future always sends over me over the “overthinking cliff” and then it’s hard to climb my way back up.
Still, an image came to mind.
I saw myself sitting at a small, round table in a low-lit kitchen with the early morning light barely peaking through the curtains draped across the window. I was holding a cup of steaming, hot tea as I looked at my laptop with my cat looking out the window behind me (no image of the future is complete without my cat, obviously), but the thing that stood out the most was the way I looked. I wasn’t exactly smiling, but I didn’t look stressed or upset either. I just looked comfortable. Content.
Otherwise, the image is blank. I don’t see anything else. I can’t even see what I was looking at on my laptop.
Maybe it’s a good thing that I would have something different to say rather than something crazy ambitious or a crystal clear image of exactly what I want, but this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this question and could barely answer.
Flashback to High School
First thing you need to know is that I wasn’t the kind of kid to put things off to the last minute. I always did all of my homework, I submitted it right on time or before it was due, and I always had everything organized. If it wasn’t organized I would get really stressed and panic.
When senior year came around, I knew I was going to have to start thinking about what colleges I was going to apply to, but when it finally came time for me to decide, I still had no idea.
I don’t know how they did it at other high schools, but at mine we were given this pink sheet that we were supposed to fill out by a certain date and turn in with our top 5 colleges we wanted to go to. I, however, threw it into my backpack and forgot until a few days before it was due. By the time I remembered, the form was all crumpled from being smushed by my binder at the bottom of my backpack for weeks.
This was totally and completely unlike me. I never waited till the last minute to get something done, and I also never had loose pieces of paper floating around in my backpack. Everything was always neatly tucked away in its place.
When I finally filled out the form, I picked 3 of the colleges because they were close by, 1 in Colorado because I thought I might enjoy living there, and another because I thought the campus looked cool. That was it. My top 5 colleges.
Obviously, I put a lot of thought into what colleges I wanted to go to, so I went to the counselor’s office to turn in my wrinkled, pink form, but what I wasn’t expecting was that I was going to have to actually talk to her about it.
I don’t remember much after that except that I was nervous enough that my hands were making sweat marks on the paper so that it was now wrinkled AND wet, and that she asked me what I was thinking of majoring in and why I wanted to go to those colleges.
Like I said, I don’t remember much else, and obviously I’m not still stuck in that office thinking of an answer, so I must’ve given her some bullshit that was just believable enough that she let me go. What I do remember, is that I felt ashamed that I didn’t have a better idea of what I wanted.
Back to the Future - January 2023
Little known fact about me: I love cleaning.
I love when things are clean and organized, especially that clean smell. I’m actually the designated “dishwasher person” because those little Finish cleaning pods that go into the dishwasher are my all time favorite scent.
That’s not to say I enjoy ALL cleaning. I mean, jeez, I’m not a total freak, but cleaning is a normal part of my weekly routine and not just because it needs to be done. Cleaning, for me, is a way to destress.
About 2 months ago now, I stumbled upon the album Stick Season by Noah Kahan, and I haven’t stopped listening since. I’ve added my favorite songs from that album to a playlist titled “Favs #5” because taking the time to actually come up with a cool name makes me nervous. It’s like I think people are actually sitting around criticizing my playlist names, but anyway, I listen to this playlist nearly every time I’m cleaning.
One day, while deep cleaning the cat’s water fountain, the song “Growing Sideways” came on. After hearing this song probably around a dozen times at that point, I became very familiar with the lyrics, so I was mostly waiting for my favorite line:
“Spent my savings at a Lulu, now I’m sufferin’ in style” - Noah Kahan
I feel like that’s pretty self-explanatory. Who doesn’t relate to spending too much money on things they wanted but didn’t really need? Just knowing that I’m going to look so much more stylish with that new pair of pants or shirt always makes me feel better. Even though it’s just a temporary relief, at least I did something fun for myself… right?
Moving on, while scrubbing the inside of a plastic tube with a straw brush, I was struck by another line I hadn’t given much thought to before.
“I’m terrified that I might never have met me. Oh, if my engine works perfect on empty, I guess I’ll drive” - Noah Kahan
When I first heard this I thought, “What in the heck does it mean to have never met yourself?” As someone who tends to obsess over things, this line has been stuck in my mind like a piece of spinach wedged in between my teeth. As time goes on I forget it’s there, but every once in a while I’ll feel it with my tongue and start picking at it again.
My thoughts on this have ranged from not knowing your favorite movie to not being able to answer the question “what do you like to do in your free time?” Both are simple questions that I think we all get tripped up on when asked about them, but still, we tend to have default answers.
For me, my answers are always Juno and reading. I will always love Juno and, of course, reading is still one of my favorite past times, but these are the same answers I would’ve given you if you had asked me these questions when I was 17. Does this mean I don’t know myself if I don’t know my most recent favorite movie or what I now like to do in my free time?
I think that would be an over-exaggeration, but what does it say about me if my answers haven’t changed since I was 17?
As a recent college graduate, my life has been all about school for the past 23 years. Not going to college wasn’t even an option. While I may have taken the slightly less travelled route of going to community college first, I never even considered not going.
From elementary school on, it was burned into my brain that I was going to college. Not to say that this is a bad thing, but everything in school was all about getting ready for college, so, like the dope that I am, I assumed that as long as I went to college I would be set. Nothing else mattered because I was going to college and once I did that the rest of my life would fall into place.
As Jim Carey said when he played the Grinch back in 2005, wrong-o!
Now I’m 23, and I barely have an image of what I want my life to look like.
That’s not to say I regret going to college. I still think it was a good choice and I learned a lot, but the first thought I had when I graduated was “Finally. Now I can start living.”
WHAT?! Now I can start living?!
I can’t even begin to express how stupid that makes me feel. Like I said, for the past 23 years, my life has revolved around school. I practically put my life on hold because I was in school, and while it’s good to be focused, it’s totally different when you shut everything else out because of it.
It definitely would’ve been hard to travel during school, so I’m not saying I wish I had done that, but I do regret not doing more activities. They didn’t even have to be on campus. I just wish I hadn’t made myself wait to do what I wanted.
Maybe if I had, I’d have a better idea of who I am and what I want, and not just this 17 year old version of myself.
In case you’re interested, here’s my “Favs #5” playlist. Just, please, don’t make fun of me for listening to the La La Land soundtrack.
Comment prompts:
Are there any songs that make you rethink your life and who you are as a person?
What is your default favorite movie that you say when you draw a blank vs. your actual favorite movie?
Do you have any hobbies?
What’s the worst answer you’ve come up with in an interview?